Waking up to a breakfast of lightly grilled kippers and a cask of my own stored and refortified urine, I read with interest that Sir Cliff Richard may well have been denied victory in the 1968 Eurovision Song Contest by General Franco, whose henchmen ensured that the Spanish entry, “La La La” by the chanteuse Massiel, reached the top spot by systematically bribing foreign jurors in exchange for votes. In the end, Cliff's “Congratulations” lost by a single point. Aw, there's a fing shame! British Song with all the fing artistic merit of a fing eight year old girl's turd loses out thanks to Fascist corruption! Tell you fing what, Cliff, it's a fing pity South Africa isn't part of fing Europe, what with all the fing fans you picked up there when you defied a ban and toured the fing place during the fing apartheid era like the clueless Christian c you are! You'd have fing walked the contest! If Franco fixed this, it was the best thing the old fer ever did, second to fing dying! I could pretty much forgive him his fing conduct in the fing Spanish Civil War if by whatever fing means necessary he knocked you off your fing perch of pop pillockry! “Cliff”! Go fing throw yourself off one, you prune-faced pile of sun-dried fing arserag! Seriously, in all fing seriousness, you're f*ing 67, die!

It seems that Scarlett Johansson, star of Lost In Translation, has made an album of covers of Tom Waits songs, featuring contributions from David Bowie. It was produced by David Sitek of TV On The Radio.

Oh my fing Christc - Scarlett. Has it fing occurred to you that there's a fing downside to getting to a fing point in your life when any proposition that floats through your fing minimally appointed head and finds its way out of your mouth is greeted with, “Oh yes, of course, Ms Johansson, you can do anything you want!” Including this fing piece of shit? You can no more fing sing that a fing goat can toss the fing caber! The only redeeming thing you can fing say about this album is that it's not as bad as that pile of “ooh, aren't slitty-eyed people strange?” shite Lost In Translation! And Tom fing Waits? I'd rather listen to a fing dosser vomiting! In fact, I suspect I fing am listening to a fing dosser vomiting! As for David Bowie, well, you fing knew that desperate old twat would have got his fing yellowing, vampiric fing fangs involved in a fing project like this! “Ah. Yes. TV On The Radio. Marvellous. Yes, I'm very up to date with the modern scene. Bright new labels like 4AD. Young music. Young blood. The blood of the young. Blood! Blood! Must have blood! Come hither, my young ones . . .”. Chateau owning c!

Finally, The Kaiser Chiefs have let it be known that in order to keep it real, their next album is to be produced by hip-hop/rock producer Mark Ronson, nephew of tycoon Gerald Ronson and brother of Samantha, Lindsey Lohan's “party pal”.

F* me, Leeds, eh? Rickets. Peter Sutcliffe. The fing Kaiser Chiefs. You know, if we wanted to see if our fing nuclear bombs were still fing working after all these fing years in storage, I can think of fing worse ideas! Trouble is, like the obdurate fing cockroaches they are, the fing Kaiser Chiefs would probably survive the fing blast, scuttling around like pointless little fs, predicting fing riots! What the f* do you still exist for, you rancid fing streaks of fing cockrot? You know, when even Boris Johnson " Boris, flabby faced f* Johnson " slags you off for being too fing tame, the game's fing up! It just fing reminds you of the old wives' fing adage that you can't shove shit back up the arse of fing mediocrity! As for fing Mark Ronson, you overprivileged, undertalented twatpiece " P Diddy? Robbie Williams? Christina Aguilera? The fing Kaiser Chiefs? Is there anyone you fing wouldn't work with, on fing principle? Is there f! If General Franco were discovered to be fing alive and well and living in fing Bolivia, you'd be right on the phone to him offering to give his fing new album of Patriotic Military Marching Songs a radical, edgy, hip-hop sheen, wouldn't you, you little c**?