Waking up to a bracing breakfast of rice cakes and a jeraboam of tramp's piss, I am intrigued to learn that, once again, Mr Pete Doherty, sometime member of The Libertines and Babyshambles, is currently serving a 14 week term at Her Majesty's Pleasure, for failing to turn up to probation hearings on time and for drug use. Well, you fing ask me, that's a bit fing harsh " I'd have given him a suspended sentence. That is, suspended the sallow streak of fing rat's vomit by the fing testicles from a fing church hall light fitting for 14 weeks so's he'd find out what being high's really fing about! And I'll tell you what, if I was the parish vicar, I'd invite in the fing local kids, hand them out leap piping and fing baseball bats and have them twat the arsehole about like a fing pinyatta! Fing Pete Doherty! Did the arse end of indie ever squirt out anyone who epitomised the uncut essence of c* than this fer? He made a bunch of fing records I'd rather excrete acorns than ever fing listen to again, he hangs off the arm of a vile, carcinogenic fing skeleton, then he spends the rest of his non-career wasting space as some sort of fing poster boy for fing smack! He's a fing fhead who's shat himself to fery and he still has fing idiots idolising him? Idolise the fing piss-stained mattress he's currently deservedly sleeping on, you stupid fing arsewits, at least it's performing some sort of f*ing social function!

Bristolian trip-hoppers Massive Attack are curating this year's Meltdown Festival. Among the artists featured in the line-up they've put together are Grace Jones, Stiff Little Fingers, Elbow andYellow Magic Orchestra, while also featured is the Vangelis Blade Runner soundtrack. According to the Meltdown website, Massive Attack are "no strangers to all that's weird and wonderful in the music world!" Well, yes, we can fing see that! Vangelis? Yellow Magic Orchestra? Synthesizer music? Ooh, strange and scary synthesizers, harbingers of the weird and wonderful 1990s to come, I think I've just browned my fing trousers! For f's sake, what dead and buried rectum did they fing pull this fing line-up out of? Stiff Little Fingers? There's one fng Belfast minicab controller who's gonna be short on drivers that fing night! Grace Jones? Fing face it, who wouldn't rather watch fing Eartha Kitt strip in 2008 than watch whatever fing passes for a Grace Jones performance nowadays? Elbow? Hard to tell them from your fing arse, then as fing now! C*s!

Finally, it seems that the Scottish band Glasvegas, much heralded by Alan McGee, are currently spending 12 hours a day in the studio working on their latest album. 12 hours? Doing fing what? Are they building their fing instruments from scratch out of fing matchsticks, or what? Because don't fing tell me it takes more fing time to think up their songs as it does to fing perform them! Take the most warmed over, twentieth hand indie fing cliches then plod the most predictable course of fing chord changes imaginable, then bray something over the top that you're spotty and fing miserable! "Glasvegas", though, some fing name that is! Imagine, take two of the finest cities on earth, cities of deep fried Mars bars and men trundling around on fing caster wheels attached to their fing arses, and what have you fing got, eh? Another winner for Alan McGee, connoisseur of the desperately Scottish and desperately fing ordinary! They might as well have fing called themselves The Pisshits and had fing done with it!

This way for more Mr. Agreeable...